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Geek Squad? More like Joke Squad

WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ- My heart begins to pound as I trudge through the store to the infamous Geek Squad counter. I approach Bob in his vibrant blue t-shirt, as he stares at me with expressionless eyes. He flashes a cowardice smile, but before getting a chance to speak, I open my big mouth as if to let out a swarm of bees and say, “Do you really not remember me?” Pulling out the new laptop I purchased last week from him, “Or this laptop you sold me last week?”
In a low, appeasing voice, Bob responds, “I’m sorry, miss. What can I do for you today?”
It feels like I’m talking to brick wall, almost as if someone wiped his memory clean every night. He could be on an episode of Fringe with a mind like that. “Yes, I want a new laptop, identical to this one, free of charge. Will that be a problem?”
Wide-eyed in wonder, he looks around as though the answer is floating around, like a a germ particle expelled into the air. “I’ve been here five times since I purchased this laptop a week ago, and you attempted to help me each time.”

Photo courtesy of
Photo courtesy of

Before I turn Best Buy into a jungle, similar to the mall scene with Lindsay Lohan in the movie Mean Girls, I clarify calmly, “Listen. After spending nearly $1,000 for a new laptop, virus protection, warranties, and all that good stuff, I should not have to go through all this trouble to fix the brand new laptop I just got. Just give me another one and there won’t be any further problems. My warranty even says to do so.”
Emotionless, Bob shushes me, “One moment, miss.” He strolls into the back office where the other Geek Squad technicians are, and nonchalantly asks for assistance. I overheard the equally frustrated woman with the messy blonde curls behind me whispering, “Is he for real? I don’t understand why they won’t just give you a new one. I have work in an hour, he’s backing everything up!”
I turn around. The line of people behind me feels like a never ending spiral staircase. All I can see behind me is the curly-haired woman and a tall young man wearing a NY Giants snap back hat, but the line extended past the Geek Squad counter, beyond the customer service stand and out the front door. Luckily for the others, it is sunny and 20 degrees outside so no one is cold.
The fuel to my fire stumbles back over to the counter with a huge stack of paperwork with three other Geek Squad technicians following in suit. Are they even going to ask to see my laptop? Or ask me anything? I thought to myself.
“Do you want to see my laptop or not? Ya know, the thing that’s broken?” I regurgitate.
“Miss, give us a second. We’re analyzing the situation.” reassures one of Bob’s sidekick.
“I understand that you need to analyze the situation, but my laptop is the primary focus of this situation. Wouldn’t you want to factor that into the equation you’re analyzing?”
Papers are falling everywhere, like pine needles from a Christmas tree. The curly-haired woman behind me keeps tapping her long ceramic-painted nails on the counter top while she screams on the phone to some guy. “THIS IS RIDICULOUS BAE! LIKE I’VE GOT NOTHIN’ BETTER TO DO ‘CEPT STAND HERE IN A FREAKIN’ LINE!” Before I am able to turn to console her, she blurts to the guy on the phone, “You know what, Jack? I’m going to PC Richard & Son’s. It’s only a few doors down.”
Bob and his three minions, along with every other Best Buy employee, abruptly stop what they are doing, as if a fire alarm was going off or someone got shot. Staring at the curly-haired woman standing behind me, Bob whispers something to one of his accomplices who immediately runs over to help the woman. I’m beyond infuriated. I’m about to lose it. About to lose it, “Are you serious?! Can you just take my freakin’ laptop already and replace it with a new, working one? What are you gonna do next, ask me for a piece of gum or to go play a round of tennis?”
With a blatant disregard to what I just said, “Miss, can I see your laptop? I see here that you have a guaranteed 30-day warranty on the laptop that you purchased, last week was it? You are entitled to a brand new one, free of charge.”
“Have a good day, sweetie!” says the curly-haired woman on her way out. Well, I’ll be sure to go to Wegman’s next time for all my technological needs.